The Unwritten Rules of Kommons: Etiquette Nobody Tells You

Right, nobody gave me a manual when I signed up for Kommons. There's no onboarding video that says "here's how to not be weird." You just... figure it out. Trial and error. Mostly error, if I'm honest. After over a year on the app, I've learned a fair few things the hard way about how people actually behave on here, what's considered sound, and what'll get you quietly unmatched before you've even finished typing your second message.

This isn't some official guide from the Kommons team. This is just me — Callum, 29, living in Leeds, working in project management, using casual dating apps since about 2022 — telling you the stuff I wish someone had told me on day one. The unwritten rules. The etiquette that nobody spells out but everyone seems to know. Or at least, the people who actually do well on Kommons seem to know.

So grab a brew, settle in, and let me save you from the same mistakes I made.

The First Message: Don't Overthink It, But Don't Be Lazy Either

I used to spend ages crafting the perfect opening line. I'm talking five minutes per message, trying to be witty and original every single time. Absolute waste of energy. But equally, "hey" on its own is dead. Kommons isn't Tinder — the vibe here is a bit more grown-up, and people expect a little more effort than a one-word greeting.

What actually works? Just reference something specific from their profile. It doesn't need to be Shakespeare. "Saw you're into bouldering — whereabouts do you go in Manchester?" is perfectly fine. It shows you've actually looked at their profile rather than just swiping on their photos.

The unwritten rule on Kommons seems to be: put in roughly the same effort as you'd put into a first message to someone at a party. You wouldn't walk up to someone at a house party and just say "hey" with a blank expression, would you? But you also wouldn't launch into a five-paragraph essay about your life story. Somewhere in the middle. Two to three sentences. That's the sweet spot.

If you want more on building a profile that actually gets people wanting to message you first, have a read of the success tips piece — it genuinely changed how I approached things.

Response Times: The Great Unspoken Anxiety

Alright, this one causes more stress than it should. How quickly should you reply on Kommons? Here's what I've noticed after hundreds of conversations:

Within the first few messages: Replying within a few hours is completely normal. Same day is ideal. Nobody's expecting instant replies — we've all got jobs and lives — but leaving it 24 hours before you've even established a conversation is a bit off-putting.
Once the chat's flowing: If you're both online and going back and forth, just... go with it. Don't artificially delay replies to seem busy. People on Kommons are generally pretty direct, and playing games with response times is considered a bit naff.
If you're genuinely busy: A quick "mental week at work, will reply properly later" goes a long way. Seriously. It takes five seconds and it tells the other person you're not just fading away.

The biggest etiquette lesson I've learned about response times on Kommons is this: match the other person's energy. If they're sending thoughtful messages every few hours, do the same. If they're firing off quick replies, you can keep it snappy too. It's not complicated, but it makes a massive difference.

When to Suggest Meeting Up

This is where a lot of people on Kommons — myself included, at first — either move too fast or way too slow. I've had connections fizzle because I waited too long to suggest a drink. And I've had people unmatch because I suggested meeting after literally three messages.

The general consensus on Kommons seems to be: after a day or two of decent conversation. Not messages — days. You want enough back-and-forth that you've got some sense of who they are and whether you'd actually enjoy sitting across a table from them. But not so much that you've basically had the entire first date over text already.

A couple of things that work well:

Frame it casually. "Fancy grabbing a coffee sometime this week?" lands better than "Can I take you out for dinner on Saturday?" — especially in the early stages on a casual dating app.
Suggest something low-pressure. Coffee, a quick drink after work, a walk if the weather's not awful (which, in Leeds, is rare). Keep it to an hour-ish commitment so neither of you feels trapped.
If they say not yet, that's completely fine. Don't take it personally. Some people on Kommons need a bit more chat time before they're comfortable meeting. Respect it and keep the conversation going.

I've written about what that first meeting actually looks like in another post if you want the full rundown on making it go well.

The Chat-to-Date Transition

Something I noticed on Kommons that's a bit different from other apps: people generally prefer to keep chatting on the app until they've met in person at least once. On Tinder, everyone wants your Instagram or phone number straight away. On Kommons, the culture is a bit more... cautious? Respectful? Not sure of the right word, but people seem to value keeping things on-platform until there's actual trust built.

I think that's partly because Kommons attracts people who've been burnt by other apps and want something that feels a bit safer. So don't be surprised — or offended — if someone doesn't want to swap numbers before meeting up. It's not a red flag. It's just the vibe.

If you're curious about how women specifically experience this on the app, this article on the women's experience is a really good read. It changed my perspective on a lot of things, honestly.

How to Handle Being Ghosted

Look, I'm not going to pretend ghosting doesn't happen on Kommons. It does. It happens everywhere. But the Kommons community does seem to have a slightly lower tolerance for it compared to the bigger apps, and I think that's because the user base tends to be a bit more intentional about what they want.

That said, if someone goes quiet on you, here's what I'd suggest:

One follow-up message is fine. Something like "Hey, no worries if you're not feeling it — just checking in" is perfectly reasonable. It gives them an easy out without being confrontational.
Two unanswered messages is your limit. If you've sent two messages with no reply, leave it. They've made their decision. Sending a third or fourth message isn't going to change their mind and just makes things awkward.
Don't take it personally. I know that's easier said than done. But on Kommons — on any dating app, really — people go quiet for a million reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Life happens. Ex comes back into the picture. Work gets mental. They met someone else. None of that is a reflection on your worth as a person.

The real etiquette point here isn't about how to handle being ghosted — it's about not doing it yourself. Which brings me to...

How to End Things Respectfully

This is the big one. The rule that, if everyone on Kommons followed it, would make the whole experience about 500% better for everyone involved.

Just be honest. A simple, kind message is all it takes. "Hey, I've really enjoyed chatting but I don't think we're quite the right match — hope you find what you're looking for" is absolutely fine. It's not cruel. It's not dramatic. It's just decent.

I know it feels uncomfortable. Trust me, I've been on both sides. But I can tell you from experience: getting a straightforward "not feeling it" message is infinitely better than being ghosted. At least you know where you stand. You can move on. You're not sat there wondering what you did wrong.

A few scenarios and how to handle them on Kommons:

After a few messages: Totally fine to just let the conversation naturally end. If you've exchanged three or four messages and it's not clicking, you don't necessarily need a formal goodbye. Just don't respond and it's understood.
After a proper conversation: If you've been chatting for a few days and there's been genuine engagement, a quick honest message is the right move.
After meeting in person: This one's non-negotiable. If you've met someone from Kommons face-to-face, you owe them a text at minimum. Even if the date was awful. Even if there was zero chemistry. A brief "Thanks for last night, I had a nice time but I don't think there's a romantic connection" is all it takes.
After sleeping together: Absolutely, categorically, do not ghost someone you've been intimate with. Full stop. I don't care how awkward the conversation feels. Send the message. This is about basic human respect, and the Kommons community is pretty clear on this being a line you don't cross.

Understanding consent and boundaries in casual dating is a big part of this. Ending things properly is about respecting someone's emotional boundaries just as much as their physical ones.

The Etiquette of Multiple Conversations

Here's something nobody talks about openly but literally everyone on Kommons is doing: talking to multiple people at the same time. And that's completely okay. It's a dating app. That's how it works.

But there's etiquette around it. The unwritten rules I've picked up:

You don't owe anyone exclusivity based on a few messages. Unless you've specifically had the conversation about being exclusive, it's assumed you're both talking to other people. That's the norm on Kommons and pretty much every other app.
Don't talk about your other matches. Nobody wants to hear about how your date last night with someone else went. Keep your conversations separate and treat each person as an individual.
If things are getting serious with someone, have the conversation. If you've been seeing someone from Kommons regularly and it's turning into something more, talk about it. Don't just assume you're on the same page.

Casual dating doesn't mean careless dating. You can be seeing multiple people and still treat every single one of them with full respect and honesty. That's the whole point of Kommons, really — making casual dating work without all the toxicity you get on the bigger platforms.

Profile Etiquette: The Quiet Rules

A few things about Kommons profile behaviour that aren't written down anywhere but are definitely understood:

Don't screenshot and share people's profiles. This should be obvious but it needs saying. What people put on their Kommons profile is for potential matches to see, not for group chat entertainment.
Keep your profile updated and honest. Using photos from five years ago? Having "looking for something casual" in your bio when you actually want a relationship? That's wasting everyone's time, including your own.
If you recognise someone you know in real life, be cool about it. Don't make it weird. Either match and have a laugh about it, or just skip past. Don't bring it up at the office on Monday morning.

Being Sound About Rejection

Rejection is part of Kommons. Part of all dating, really. But how you handle it says a lot about you. I've been rejected plenty. Sometimes after one message, sometimes after a date. And yeah, it stings a bit. But here's what I've learned about handling it with grace:

Don't argue with someone who's not interested. If someone says they're not feeling it, that's their answer. You don't need to understand why. You definitely don't need to try and change their mind. A simple "No worries, all the best" is the classiest response and honestly, I've had people come back to me weeks later because I handled the rejection well. Not that that should be the motivation — but being decent tends to work out.

Don't leave nasty messages. I've heard some proper horror stories from women on Kommons about the abuse they get after turning someone down. Lads, seriously. Don't be that person. You're a grown adult. Act like it.

Take a break if you need one. If rejection is getting to you — and it will at some point, it gets to everyone — step away from Kommons for a bit. There's no shame in taking a week off. The app will still be there. The people will still be there. Your mental health matters more than your match count.

Meeting in Person: The Transition Etiquette

Once you've made it past the messaging stage on Kommons and you're actually meeting up, there's a whole new set of unwritten rules:

Confirm the day before. A quick "Still on for tomorrow?" message is standard Kommons etiquette. It's just polite and saves both of you from an awkward no-show situation.
Be on time. Or at least text if you're running late. Basic stuff, but you'd be surprised how many people don't bother.
Look like your photos. Seriously. If someone matched with you on Kommons based on your profile, they're expecting to meet that person. Not someone who vaguely resembles them from certain angles in dim lighting.
Split the bill unless one of you offers. The days of automatically expecting one person to pay are gone. Most Kommons dates I've been on, we've just split it or taken turns buying rounds. No awkwardness, no weird power dynamics.
If you're not feeling it, still be present for the duration. Don't sit on your phone. Don't make excuses to leave after ten minutes. Give it at least a proper drink's worth of time. You both made the effort to show up.

The Golden Rule of Kommons

After 14 months on the app, dozens of conversations, and plenty of dates — good, bad, and absolutely awkward — here's what I think the real golden rule of Kommons etiquette is:

Treat every person on the other end of the screen like an actual human being.

I know that sounds painfully obvious. But honestly, the amount of dehumanising behaviour that happens on dating apps is wild. People say things over text that they'd never dream of saying to someone's face. They ghost after meaningful connections. They treat matches as disposable because there's always another swipe waiting.

Kommons is different because the community is different. The people here generally want something better than what the bigger apps offer. Not necessarily more serious — just more human. More respectful. More grown-up about the whole thing.

And the etiquette flows from that. Be honest about what you want. Be kind when things don't work out. Be respectful of people's time and feelings. And remember that the person you're messaging is someone's mate, someone's sibling, someone who's probably a bit nervous and just trying to figure this out too.

If everyone on Kommons stuck to that one principle, I genuinely think the app would be an even better place than it already is. And from where I'm sitting, fourteen months in, it's already pretty good.

Right, that's my lot. Go forth and be decent to each other. And if you've just signed up, welcome — you've picked the right one.